One more day until mom and I leave for Abu Dhabi to visit Josh. I can't wait!!!!

I guess since it's on facebook, it's official...I'M PREGNANT! I had my 12 week appointment today and everything looks just perfect. Praise God!

Resolution for 2010...write on this blog more. I'm sure I'll find lots to write about this year.

Holidays were good. Ryan's sister, her husband, and thier 2 children came to visit over Thanksgiving. It had been over a year since I saw my niece, Hailey, and I hadn't met my new niece, Violet, yet, so it was wonderful hanging out with them. My highlight was when Hailey read me "Go Dog Go", which she basically learned in a few days. I also enjoyed playing in the leaves with Ryan and Hailey. They visited me at the zoo, I took them to Pilot Mountain, we had a Thanksgiving feast, then Matt got appendicitis. :( Who else wants to come and visit???

I had to work on Christmas. Katy and I had a wonderful Christmas lunch at McDonalds when we got off of work at noon. Then I had a lazy day/evening with Ryan, opening presents, watching Christmas movies, and just relaxing.

For New Years we headed to Lynchburg, Virginia to WinterFest, which is a 2 day concert with a bunch of Christian bands. We saw KJ-52, Decyfer Down, Thousand Foot Krutch, Switchfoot, Fee, Fireflight, Barlow Girl, MercyMe, and Skillet. It was a wonderful concert. On the 2nd day we were in the 5th row so that was exciting!

In less then a month mom and I are heading to Abu Dhabi to visit Josh. We can't wait!!!

I'm sitting here trying to absorb some heat from the sun. It's been a cold start to the fall, but this week it's supposed to warm up some. It's been a nice 2 weeks. Dad has been visiting. Two weekends ago we headed to Hanging Rock State Park to go camping. However, they were booked for the weekend (in October, really?) so we went to Pilot Mountain State Park instead. We set up camp and relaxed on Thursday evening. On Friday dad, the dogs and I hiked up the mountain from the campground and then back down. It was about 4 miles total. Needless to say I was pretty sore the next day. Ryan joined us that evening. On Saturday we did some smaller hikes around Pilot Mountain with the dogs. I love a tired dog. On Sunday the weather turned colder. Dad, Ryan and I hiked the trail that went on the bottom of all of the rock climbing cliffs. Dad was scouting out the area so he could climb. We watched some climbers, which was fun. I don't think I actually want to climb again, but I like watching. Ryan, Leia and I headed back home that afternoon, dad stayed an extra day. When he got back in town we went to REI for the first time and I got a new day pack, so now I want to camp camp camp. Too bad its cold cold cold and I'm a wuss. He also made us some WONDERFUL Tuscan soup that was just like my favorite soup from Olive Garden. We think he just drove to Olive Garden, bought the soup, threw it in a pot, and claimed that he made it. Dad headed to the coast for a few days and is now back at our house. Dad and I had a nice lunch today and then went to Seagrove to look at some local pottery. I love when family comes and visits. It's also strange in a way, being an adult and having your parents come to your home. In a way it seems backwards. But I like it.

We have a busy fall filled with bonfires, gatherings with friends, meetings, etc. I complain about the cold, but I do enjoy snuggling in front of our fireplace, the smell of leaves, drinking hot cider, fall decorations, and eating yummy feasts.

Mom said I should probably delete this blog since I never write on it. Pish posh!

I'm actually home in Hancock right now. I've had a great time so far. Josh was here as well, except he flew back to Abu Dhabi today. :( The first evening here Josh and I went to a folk festival in Lake Linden. There was some great music there. It's strange how the music scene in the U.P. is so good, yet it's the U.P. so there isn't much for these talented people to do. GET OUT OF HERE! I got some yummy Mackinaw Island Fudge ice cream that evening and experienced GeoCaching for the first time. Josh got me hooked. For those of you that don' t know what it is (I didn't until a few days ago) there is a website that gives you GPS coordinates to find these GeoCaches that people place all over the world. You use the coordinates to find the container which has a log that you sign to show you've been there. Some people leave little trinkets. It's pretty cool. On my second day here mom, Josh and I headed up to Copper Harbor, where we did more GeoCaching. I was officially signed up so I could participate. :) We ate at the Harbor Haus and went to Brockway Mt. and other touristy spots. The 3 of us couldn't figure out a time where just the 3 of us have taken that trip. We always went up there when people would come and visit, but we didn't know if just the 3 of us ever went up there. Good family bonding. ;) Josh and I went camping at the Huron River with dad as well. Again, it was something that the 3 of us haven't done for over 10 years. I hadn't been there for 8 years. But it was as if I had never left. We had wonderful weather and a nice relaxing time. I've eaten a lot of good food and have taken a lot of pictures. For some reason it just felt like a strange trip. I think I just have been much more appreciative of the beauty up here. Living up here, I recognized how pretty it was, but now I appreciate it much more. And always when I'm home I think of past memories...hanging out at Hancock Camp grounds, cruising around, shows at the Suburban Exchange, etc. Just staying in my old room brings back a bunch of crazy memories. It is fun to reminisce. I am here for 1 1/2 more days. I hope to take more in.

I like my days off. I wish I could chose to go into work when I wanted and not have to follow a schedule. Wouldn't that be nice? I just finished a Starbucks caramel frappacino and am about to head upstairs to tackle re-arranging our "office". Our friends Dawn and Lance just moved into an apartment from a house, so they were selling a bunch of stuff. We bought their treadmill...their VERY big, VERY heavy treadmill. Ryan figured out how to get it apart into 3 pieces so we actually get it upstairs (or so we hope). We had no room for it, so we had to move a bunch of furniture around to make space for it. We did some of it last night, but now I have to finish.

I've been pretty busy with church stuff. I am on a "committee" to help make a year-long church calendar with time slots for Bible studies, outreach events, Baptism services, etc. We've been meeting to finish that. I'm also working with the new online database we got and it's my job to input all the people of the church. Needless to say, that's been keeping me busy.

One more month until I get to see mom and Josh!!! We are heading to Ohio for the Angel family reunion. I can't wait!

I understand that this is a completely random post, but I figured I should get something on my page. Well, time to head upstairs and organize!

Last Saturday Ryan and I were able to go to Carowinds (amusement park). There were a bunch of Christian bans playing, so that was our motivation to go. We got up early and hit the road. We realized we forgot sunscreen so had to take an "adventure" to find a Walmart so we could buy some. Stupid GPS doesn't have Walmarts/Targets listed. Not helpful. We got into the park and the first crazy, upside down, feet dangling roller coaster we saw, we got in line for it. The line was long of course, but it probably only took 30 min to get through. It was really fun, but when it ended, Ryan and I looked at each other and both said, "I don't feel so good." Luckily the nausea/dizziness wore off before we got sick. Then we got in line for a rapids ride, the one where 6 people sit in the big inner tube boat and you go through the rapids. We were in line for over an hour. LAME! Don't stand in line for that ride EVER. By this time we had to go back to the car and get our change of clothes, money, camera, etc and head to the concerts. The bands that played were Remedy Drive (never heard of them), Fireflight, Brandon Heath, Hawk Nelson, Third Day and TobyMac. I was very excited to see Fireflight because they are one of my new favorite bands and haven't seen them yet. I really enjoyed them. I was one of the few people standing and singing the whole time. :) I bought one of their t-shirts and their first cd, which I didn't know existed. Brandon Heath was very good, and relaxing at the same time. If only it was Cornerstone and I could have put a blanket down and listened to him with my eyes closed...ahhhh...perfection. Hawk Nelson was surprisingly good. I think I need current cd of theirs. I have one from years ago, but their style has changes some. Third Day was awesome as always. TobyMac was fun and entertaining as always. It's funny that I enjoy TobyMac so much now, considering how I disliked DC Talk so much. We hit a horrible storm on the way home, but made it home safely. It was so nice to spend time with Ryan. We've both been so busy, it feels like we don't see each other much.

I have 4 days off this weekend. Last night we went to my co-worker, Bert's, for dinner and some Rock Band. We were going to swim in his pool, but the water was a bit too chilly. How did I ever jump in Lake Superior growing up? Today I have NO PLANS and love it! I'll do stuff around the house, but I don't have any obligations to go anywhere. It's a good feeling. Tomorrow we have a scavenger hunt at church, where teams drive around the city taking pics of stuff. I'm excited. It should be fun. And I think we have a couple on our team that we just met, so it'll be fun getting to know them. Sunday we have church and that's it. Nice, relaxing weekend. Love it!

We are on the last day of the month for my "May weight loss challenge". As of 2 days ago I had lost 7 lbs. As of this morning I had lost 6 lbs. Then we decided to do the final weigh in tomorrow morning. I was hoping for a day off, but I guess I have to work out today. :) I am very proud of myself. Usually when I try to set my mind on working out, I do it for about 2 weeks and stop. I was very good this month. I watched what I ate, mostly cut pop out and worked out a lot. I had one glass of pop at my Tastefully Simple Party and one in the middle of the month, and my stomach was NOT happy with me for that one. I have lost at least a 1/2 inch from all the areas I took measurements. Even if I'm not the winner, I'm proud of myself.

It's been a strange week this week. There are a lot of hurting people that I'm coming in contact with. I've been doing a lot of praying for other people. It's overwhelming at times, to feel the pain of other people. The strangest one for me...I have a friend who just found out her teenage daughter is pregnant. I'm not going to go into details, but it felt like a knife in my chest when I first heard it. It took my breath away. I saw the teenager today for the first time and was mad and jealous. Then mad at myself for being jealous of a 17 year old. Life just sucks sometimes, but I serve a God that cares about my emotions and helps me work through my anger and jealousy and most importantly, forgives me for that.

There have been a few ladies from the church that have been working out together on Wednesdays. For the month of May we started a "May weight loss challenge". Our goal is to lose 10 lbs. The winner gets to pick where to go out to eat and the others have to treat her. I'm glad we are doing it, because it's actually motivating me to work at it. I was at a good weight during the first pregnancy, but then after the miscarriage I ate crap and loaded up on pop and gained 15 lbs back. If I lose 10 I'll be happy with my weight, since technically I'm considered overweight for my height. We are on day 8 now. I won't let myself get on the scale until the 15th, but I feel great. I've been working out everyday, haven't been drinking pop (had one at my Tastefully Simple Party and just felt guilty), not eating fast food, and cutting the bad-for-me sweets out. I'm trying to watch portions and eating small healthy things throughout the day. I also took body measurements, so if I don't lose the weight, I can at least see that I'm toning up. I started at 143.0, so I'll let you know what happens!

I tend to always start these blogs out saying, "It's been forever since I wrote..." Then I think I will always do better, but that never happens. I am avoiding going to the grocery store and doing this instead. Isn't procrastination great? But I guess I'm doing something I need to do, so is it really procrastination?

Anyhoo...I guess I'll give a summery of what has been going on in my life for the past few months. It sure wasn't pretty. In January I found out I was pregnant again. Ryan and I were excited, but scared at the same time. There was constantly this sense of caution. It's really hard to explain. Looking back, were we not trusting God enough, or is that just a healthy emotional barrier that people put up when this has already happened to them? When I was about 6 weeks along I started bleeding and absolutely lost it emotionally. People kept saying that it could just be normal bleeding and everything could be alright, but I knew. We went to the doctor and had an ultrasound and everything looked normal. We saw the baby's heart beat. Ryan and I went out to celebrate afterward, but I still had a weird feeling. Then that evening I started cramping and the bleeding was worse and I knew that was it. I had gone into work the next day because I couldn't get into the doctor's until the day after that and I was a mess. At this point, the only person at work that knew was my co-worker Katy. Ryan was supposed to be at youth group that evening and I didn't want to be at home alone, so Katy was a great friend and invited me over to help keep my mind off of it. Once I got home I was in more pain, so Ryan canceled youth and came home to be with me. The next day I had an appointment. Our pastor's wife, Tish, came with us, since she is my North Carolina mom. It meant so much because she knew my mom would want to be here with us, but can't, so she would come with us. I couldn't see my own doctor. I had to see the most unsympathetic woman in the world, who confirmed that I did miscarry. I took a few days off to get my head straight. People said they could see a difference in my healing process between the last one and this one...that this one was faster. It may have been, but my hurt may have come out in different forms. At the same time I was majorly stressed and unhappy with work. I was a very bitter and cynical person. Talking to Tish, my emotions from the miscarriage could have been carried out in that fashion. I am trying to find ways to decrease my stress level at work and have been successful for the past 2 weeks or so. I was a mess two weeks ago at church. They had the baby dedication for two of my friends' babies. They had postponed it previously so the three of us could do the baby dedication together. I really didn't want to be there because all I kept thinking about was "what could have been." And to top it off, I ended up with a 24 hour stomach bug that day and was pretty sick when I got home. Good times.

The next step...I got a bunch of blood work done to make sure there isn't anything genetically wrong with me that is causing the miscarriages. Everything came out normal. Which I wasn't sure to be happy or not about. If something was abnormal, I would have at least had a reason for this happening. Instead I'm just one of those statistics that this happens to. So, when we're given the ok, we will try again. Please pray for us. We are still very scared. There is nothing more we want then to have a baby.

We sang this song at church on Sunday and it really hit home with me. I'll explain later. Here's the song:

"Bring The Rain" by MercyMe

I can count a million times
People asking me how I
Can praise You with all that I've gone through
The question just amazes me
Can circumstances possibly
Change who I forever am in You
Maybe since my life was changed
Long before these rainy days
It's never really ever crossed my mind
To turn my back on you, oh Lord
My only shelter from the storm
But instead I draw closer through these times
So I pray

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

I am Yours regardless of
The dark clouds that may loom above
Because You are much greater than my pain
You who made a way for me
By suffering Your destiny
So tell me what's a little rain
So I pray

Holy, holy, holyIs the Lord God Almighty

February 7th...today was supposed to be my due date. It's just been a wierd day. I haven't been overly sad, which is good. I'm just sort of "blah". I guess I'm trying not to think about it too much or think about "what could have been".

Last weekend at church we had a Network seminar. Network is a program that helps you identify what your spiritual gift is, such as creative communication (worship band, drama, etc), intercession, mercy, teaching, etc. I found out that my top 3 were administration, hospitality, and helps. It wasn't that much of a surprise to have administration as my top one, since I love to organize and coordinate things. I also found that I'm a task structured person. There are 4 categories....people vs. task and structured vs unstructured. You can make 4 combos out of that. I focus mainly on the task at hand, and are very structured doing so. I also discovered that a passion of mine is getting new Christians plugged into Bible studies. When people first become Christians, they often don't get themselves plugged into Bible studies, probably because they don't know what to expect, are scared, etc. It's so important in their growth and we as a church aren't good about focusing in on those people. I also think we should be having GIGs (InterVarsity term for Groups Investigating God) for the non-Christians in our church, to have a safe and comfortable place for then to learn about who God is. For awhile I've been expressing this to leadership at church, but in a way felt guilty because I wanted it yet, was not willing to teach it. Through Network I realized teaching is not my gift so I shouldn't feel guilty for not leading it. I can take my gift of administration and help get these started and organize them. I am also going to help our assimilation pastor implement Network at our church. The goal is to get people through a 3 step process...first is a Bible study learning how to spend time with God, the second is learning about Jesus's characteristics and how to apply them to your life, and the third is Network. Once people complete Network we will be able to see what people's spiritual gifts are and be able to place them in tasks where they will flourish and be the most satisfied. I'm very excited about this because although I'm considered "leadership" at church, I often feel a disconnect since I can only be there 2 out of 4 Sundays a month. Some of the tasks I've been given can be easily done from home and I'm excited to do it.

Last night Ryan and I got to spend some time with our good friends Joylynn, Thor and Laura. Thor had a concert at a coffee shop so we went to that. Joy's such a good listener and let me vent about my job. It's been very frustrating, especially this past week. Decisions are being made about our animals that don't make any sense. I'm going to stop here since this a public blog and I don't want to get all worked up again. Ask me about it if you'd like. Today Joy is having tea party at her house. I'm super excited because she let me know she is making spring rolls. I'm going to go early and eat them all before everyone else gets there. :) I created a tea party hat yesterday. It's pretty funny. It'll be nice to hang out with the girls, even though I won't know most of them. Then tomorrow we are going to a friends house to watch the superbowl. Go Arizona! (I really don't care...I just say that because their quarterback openly talks about his faith and that's awesome).

I know it's been forever since I wrote. Nobody probably checks this anymore since I'm so sporadic in writing. Below I posted this thing that is going around facebook. I normally don't do stuff like this, but it's been fun getting to know people better and allowing people to know me better. I had to write 25 things about myself...habits, goals, facts, etc. Here it is...

1. I have had a bad habit since I was little where I chew on the side of my cheek. It's gross and I make funny faces doing it.

2. I can never sleep with socks on because I have to put the edge of the sheet between my big toe and the next toe. Ryan and I have named it "my toe sheet".

3. I love living in North Carolina...my church, job, friends, house...but if I had the chance to move back to Minnesota and work with the dolphins again, I would move in a heartbeat.

4. There is nothing else I want more right now then to have a baby. I had a miscarriage this summer and it was the hardest thing Ryan and I have ever gone through.

5. I love to sleep. I always take a nap on my days off and my normal bedtime is 9:30.

6. I love games but I don't like losing. When I was little and would lose, I would take the game board and tip it upside down and spill all the pieces. And now I just won't play Canasta with Ryan because he beats me everytime.

7. I have been a Christian since 1998. I try everyday to love God by spending time with Him and following what He wants me to do. I try everyday to love people like He does. I find it much easier to love God then to love people.

8. Often time people don't like me when they first meet me. They often think I'm stuck up. I don't like hearing this. I tend to be very shy and I'm a very self-consious person, so when I first meet someone, I come across as stuck up. Usually once I warm up, people like me just fine, but I know there are those out there that don't like me even after they get to know me, but I'm ok with that.

9. I cry a lot. Especially in church. Often times I cry because I see someone else is hurting and crying. Sometimes I wonder if I've used up all my tears yet.

10. My worse fears are being in a fire, drowning, and getting into a car accident.

11. I was married when I was 19 years old, which most people think is crazy. Ryan and I prayed about it a lot and we knew it was what God wanted us to do. Eight years later we are happier then ever.

12. I wasn't your typical college student. In college I never went to a party where alcohol was served.

13. I had my belly button pierced in high school and my nose pierced in college. I had to take them out when I interned at Brookfield Zoo.

14. I am a cat person, not a dog person. I didn't want a dog, but my husband brought Leia home and she was so cute I couldn't send her back.

15. If I could have one talent, it would be to have a good singing voice. I would love to sing in a band.

16. I have a major crush on David Cook from American Idol.

17. When I'm camping I'll wash my plate and utensils in the lake with sand, but at home I freak out if someone washes my plate with the sponge and not the clean dish rag.

18. I am a neat freak. I will let the house get somewhat cluttered, and then flip out that it's a mess and usually take it out on poor Ryan. I don't know how he puts up with me.

19. I can't stand it when people think they know what they are talking about, but in reality they are just making stuff up and want to hear thier own voices and get the last word in.

20. I started going to college to be an elementary teacher. I've always loved dolphins and whales and one day my best bud, Allyn, said "why don't you work with them?" So I investigated it and here I am today. Thanks, Als!

21. I would much rather stay at home then to go out. I am completely content hanging out in my pj's, watching tv or reading a book. I hate weeks where I have stuff planned every night.

22. My dream would be to be a stay at home mom until my kids go to school and then go back to working at the zoo with marine mammals. But...1. The likelyhood of me getting my job back would be slim to none after being out of the field for so long. 2. We couldn't afford it.

23. Finanical Peace University, a course taught by Dave Ramsey completely changed our lives. We are getting out of debt and are on a good path financially. I recommend it to everyone!

24. I love to eat. I have no self-control when it comes to food.

25. I am obsessed with Beverly Hills 90210. I watched it growing up. I have the first 4 seasons on DVD. I watch the new 90210. Growing up, when we would play house or school or whatever, I was always "Kelly Taylor" and Melissa was "Brenda Walsh". I wanted to be Kelly Taylor. Now Lauren Conrad is my new Kelly Taylor.

A few things I'm thankful for...
A: Air to breathe
B: Back tickles
C: Church, caramel apple cider, creativity
D:Dad
E: Energy
F: Family,Friends, food
G: Grace
H: Holy Spirit, House, Health
I: Ideas, ice cream
J: Jesus, Josh
K: Kindness, Knowledge, Kisses
L: Laughter, Love, Life
M: Mom, money, memories
N: New beginnings
O: Old friends
P: Pets
Q: Quiet
R: Ryan
S: Sleeping, sunshine, sleeping in the sunshine, smelly candles
T: Transportation
U: Unconditional love
V: Vision, vacations
W: Water
X: Xyanthopyll (causes leaves to change color in fall)
Y: You for reading this
Z: Zoos

Cards, cards, and more cards...At the beginning of December we are having an employee craft and bake sale at work. My co-worker talked me into selling my hand-made cards, so I've been a busy beaver mass producing cards. I'm still at the point where I am enjoying it, which is important. I signed up with less then a month to work, so I guess I can only blame myself.

We paid off Ryan's car!!! It felt good and bad to write that check. Bad because it was a good chunk leaving our bank account, but good because we are making visual process toward being debt free. I recommend Financial Peace University to everyone. (I think people at work are getting tired of me talking about it)

I am still loving the Financial Peace University class. We recently had a week about dumping debt which got me all pumped up, ready to pay of our debts (car loans and school loans). With the plan we can be debt free in 4 years (this isn't including the house). Sounds better then paying school loans for 10 more years. Our budget this month has gone well. There were a few things we forgot to budget for, such as pet supplies. Sorry, Leia, you can't eat this month. :) We were able to work it out though.

A few weeks ago we took the youth group to the Dixie Classic Fair. My friend and co-worker Kelly went with us as well. First we ate food. Then we rode a ride in the rain. Then we ate more food. Then we went to the Mandisa and Matthew West concert. Not a fan of Mandisa but she did do some fun old classic songs like "Stop in the Name of Love" and "Respect". Kelly and I had a blast. There are pictures to prove it, but I have yet to see them. Then Matthew West performed. I hadn't really heard of him before, but we decided to go up front since he was a cutie. So we grabbed the girls from youth group and headed up there. We were in the 2nd row. Kelly and I were acting like we were 12. We had a blast! Then Matthew jumped off stage and landed next to Kelly and I. She rubs his arm raw, I just touch his arm. Crazy girls. Oh wait, it wasn't just us girls. Zack and Chris did it too! After the concert Kelly and I said "This will not be the night that we remember being cold and wet. This is the night we were 12 again."

I found out my mom is coming in December to visit! I am so excited!!!! The Angel family Christmas party is the first weekend, so we'll drive up to Maryland together. I can't wait!!!

At church Ryan and I are taking Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University seminar. Each week we watch a DVD with the lesson, then have a discussion with a group of about 20 people. During the week there is "homework" to do. We have only taken the class for 2 weeks now, but I have realized how blessed Ryan and I are when it comes to money. Don't know what we are doing right, but we must be doing something right. The class talks about baby step #1 is to set up an emergency fund of $1000. Ryan and I have never not had at least that amount in the bank. We have never had to live paycheck to paycheck.There are people in the class that say they don't even know how they can save $1 a month to put towards the emergency fund because every penny goes to bills. That's insane to me. But on the other hand, there is probably one thing they could find that they could do without for that month. Ryan and I have lived a lifestyle where if we want it, we get it. Now I'm not saying that is good. We want to be able to manage our finances so we have a lot saved up for retirement, emergencies, etc. I'm not saying I don't want to not spend my money on anything fun anymore. We just want to be good stewards of our money, so we will be putting ourselves on a budget each month. It'll be hard for me to get in that mindset again. We had an "allowance" in college. If I wanted McDonald's at the end of the month, but only had $1 in my allowance, yet we still had money, no McDonalds. Don't get me wrong, I'm not bragging here, but it has made me greatful.

Happy birthday to Ryan! He turned the big 3-0 today. Yesterday we went to Raleigh for a Jars of Clay, Switchfoot and Third Day concert. There was another band too, but I can't remember their name. I wasn't impressed anyway. The concerts were very good. Unfortunately we missed some of Jars of Clay, because they started at 6:00 and we got there a little late because we both had to work and it was a 2 hour drive. It was cool seeing these 3 bands together, because they were all some of the first bands that I listened to when I became a Christian, so they had a huge influence on my faith. And it's cool that 10 years later, they still do. The venue was cool. It was an outdoor pavilion, some of which had a roof over it. We were at the point where the roof stopped and it was just open air behind us. There was a section where you could find a place in this huge grassy area, but we ended up getting tickets with an actual seat. It reminded me a lot of Cornerstone. Being out with the stars above you, breeze blowing, and rocking out to some awesome music. I miss Cornerstone. Maybe someday I'll be back.

As for me personally, I'm doing fine. God has really healed me and I'm very thankful for that. I still have my moments, but I'm sure that will always be there. I know God knows that my #1 desire is to have a baby. I want to be a mom so bad. It'll happen someday.

So here is what is going on in my life. I was pregnant. I am no longer pregnant. Ryan and I started trying in May and we got pregnant in May. We couldn't believe how fast it happened. We were so excited. I enjoyed being pregnant. For a few weeks I did hate food, and for me that is just crazy. I felt sick in the evenings. After that went away I was feeling great. I'd get tired, but feeling great. I remember even saying to people, "When I felt sick, my body was at least giving me a sign that I am pregnant. Now that I feel good and aren't showing yet, it is kinda scary because there is no real indication that I am pregnant." Little did I know... Even though it is really hard right now, I don't want to forget that joy Ryan and I had for our first pregnancy. The night we found out we were pregnant I heard David Cook's song "time of our lives" and thought just that, that this is the time of our lives. Ryan treated me like a princess. He kissed my belly every night and said goodnight to the baby.

So this is what happened...We are currently in Minnesota visiting family. Mom and Josh came down for a few days, and dad came down as well. I got to see my 2 year old niece a ton. She is the cutest thing on this planet. We went to a Twin's game, lots of shopping, Science Museum, the zoo, etc. I even had a surprise baby shower. On Wednesday and Thursday I had some light bleeding. I called the doctor and they said I shouldn't be alarmed and many women bleed some. I should go to the hospital if the bleeding increases or if I get heavy cramping. We were going to Ryan's grandpa's house 3 hours away from the cities. We were a few minutes away from grandpa's house and I felt heavy bleeding. I checked it out and told Ryan we needed to go to the hospital. So we went to the ER because OB wouldn't see me because I was only 12 weeks. They did an exam, ultrasounds, and blood work. After 3 hours of being there, the doctor came in and told us the bad news. I have what is called a "blighted ovum". It is when the egg is fertilized and develops into an embryo, but then gets absorbed by the uterus. The gestational sac where the baby would be and the placenta still develop. However the sac is empty since the baby never really grew. They detected this on the ultrasound. The sac is about the size that it would be at 7 weeks of pregnancy. And to make matters worse, this is only the beginning of my miscarriage. I still have to get rid of that sac and placenta. Hopefully my body does it naturally so I don't need a procedure to do it. The doctor said to expect a lot of bleeding and cramping. I got some pain meds from him. I just want it to be over.

People keep asking how I'm doing. It's such a funny question. Do they really want to know how I'm doing? I just lost my first baby. I was fooled for 3 months that I was pregnant, when really I may have only been for a very short while. I kept telling Ryan "I just want to go home." Which is true. I want my kitties to snuggle. I want my own bed. I want to be able to escape if I want to. However, tonight was ok. We had the whole Monson clan here for dinner and I was able to get my mind off of it some. It's hard when I have to see people for the first time since they found out, it's hard e-mailing people, it's hard to see the baby gifts I received. I will make it though. I will be stronger because of it. I really am not looking forward to going to work again. It will be hard to see my friends there. I know they support me, but again, it's just hard to see people. I don't want to call my dad on Monday. I know what it is like to feel other people's pain, and I don't want people to feel pain because of what Ryan and I are going through. Sometimes compassion sucks. I love my family and friends to death and I know they love me. I have been so blessed with them and we will get tons of support from them. There are still other people we have to tell. I hate telling people. I know Ryan and I debated who we were going to tell we were pregnant and when. Our reasoning was to tell family, friends, and church, because if something bad did happen, we would want their support. And we do, however, when we are pregnant again, I'm not sure how we are going to go about doing it. Having to tell people that you lost your baby is one of the hardest things I had to do.

Please pray for us. God will heal us over time. I have no doubt about that.