Updates on Sara's life

I tend to always start these blogs out saying, "It's been forever since I wrote..." Then I think I will always do better, but that never happens. I am avoiding going to the grocery store and doing this instead. Isn't procrastination great? But I guess I'm doing something I need to do, so is it really procrastination?

Anyhoo...I guess I'll give a summery of what has been going on in my life for the past few months. It sure wasn't pretty. In January I found out I was pregnant again. Ryan and I were excited, but scared at the same time. There was constantly this sense of caution. It's really hard to explain. Looking back, were we not trusting God enough, or is that just a healthy emotional barrier that people put up when this has already happened to them? When I was about 6 weeks along I started bleeding and absolutely lost it emotionally. People kept saying that it could just be normal bleeding and everything could be alright, but I knew. We went to the doctor and had an ultrasound and everything looked normal. We saw the baby's heart beat. Ryan and I went out to celebrate afterward, but I still had a weird feeling. Then that evening I started cramping and the bleeding was worse and I knew that was it. I had gone into work the next day because I couldn't get into the doctor's until the day after that and I was a mess. At this point, the only person at work that knew was my co-worker Katy. Ryan was supposed to be at youth group that evening and I didn't want to be at home alone, so Katy was a great friend and invited me over to help keep my mind off of it. Once I got home I was in more pain, so Ryan canceled youth and came home to be with me. The next day I had an appointment. Our pastor's wife, Tish, came with us, since she is my North Carolina mom. It meant so much because she knew my mom would want to be here with us, but can't, so she would come with us. I couldn't see my own doctor. I had to see the most unsympathetic woman in the world, who confirmed that I did miscarry. I took a few days off to get my head straight. People said they could see a difference in my healing process between the last one and this one...that this one was faster. It may have been, but my hurt may have come out in different forms. At the same time I was majorly stressed and unhappy with work. I was a very bitter and cynical person. Talking to Tish, my emotions from the miscarriage could have been carried out in that fashion. I am trying to find ways to decrease my stress level at work and have been successful for the past 2 weeks or so. I was a mess two weeks ago at church. They had the baby dedication for two of my friends' babies. They had postponed it previously so the three of us could do the baby dedication together. I really didn't want to be there because all I kept thinking about was "what could have been." And to top it off, I ended up with a 24 hour stomach bug that day and was pretty sick when I got home. Good times.

The next step...I got a bunch of blood work done to make sure there isn't anything genetically wrong with me that is causing the miscarriages. Everything came out normal. Which I wasn't sure to be happy or not about. If something was abnormal, I would have at least had a reason for this happening. Instead I'm just one of those statistics that this happens to. So, when we're given the ok, we will try again. Please pray for us. We are still very scared. There is nothing more we want then to have a baby.