Updates on Sara's life

So here is what is going on in my life. I was pregnant. I am no longer pregnant. Ryan and I started trying in May and we got pregnant in May. We couldn't believe how fast it happened. We were so excited. I enjoyed being pregnant. For a few weeks I did hate food, and for me that is just crazy. I felt sick in the evenings. After that went away I was feeling great. I'd get tired, but feeling great. I remember even saying to people, "When I felt sick, my body was at least giving me a sign that I am pregnant. Now that I feel good and aren't showing yet, it is kinda scary because there is no real indication that I am pregnant." Little did I know... Even though it is really hard right now, I don't want to forget that joy Ryan and I had for our first pregnancy. The night we found out we were pregnant I heard David Cook's song "time of our lives" and thought just that, that this is the time of our lives. Ryan treated me like a princess. He kissed my belly every night and said goodnight to the baby.

So this is what happened...We are currently in Minnesota visiting family. Mom and Josh came down for a few days, and dad came down as well. I got to see my 2 year old niece a ton. She is the cutest thing on this planet. We went to a Twin's game, lots of shopping, Science Museum, the zoo, etc. I even had a surprise baby shower. On Wednesday and Thursday I had some light bleeding. I called the doctor and they said I shouldn't be alarmed and many women bleed some. I should go to the hospital if the bleeding increases or if I get heavy cramping. We were going to Ryan's grandpa's house 3 hours away from the cities. We were a few minutes away from grandpa's house and I felt heavy bleeding. I checked it out and told Ryan we needed to go to the hospital. So we went to the ER because OB wouldn't see me because I was only 12 weeks. They did an exam, ultrasounds, and blood work. After 3 hours of being there, the doctor came in and told us the bad news. I have what is called a "blighted ovum". It is when the egg is fertilized and develops into an embryo, but then gets absorbed by the uterus. The gestational sac where the baby would be and the placenta still develop. However the sac is empty since the baby never really grew. They detected this on the ultrasound. The sac is about the size that it would be at 7 weeks of pregnancy. And to make matters worse, this is only the beginning of my miscarriage. I still have to get rid of that sac and placenta. Hopefully my body does it naturally so I don't need a procedure to do it. The doctor said to expect a lot of bleeding and cramping. I got some pain meds from him. I just want it to be over.

People keep asking how I'm doing. It's such a funny question. Do they really want to know how I'm doing? I just lost my first baby. I was fooled for 3 months that I was pregnant, when really I may have only been for a very short while. I kept telling Ryan "I just want to go home." Which is true. I want my kitties to snuggle. I want my own bed. I want to be able to escape if I want to. However, tonight was ok. We had the whole Monson clan here for dinner and I was able to get my mind off of it some. It's hard when I have to see people for the first time since they found out, it's hard e-mailing people, it's hard to see the baby gifts I received. I will make it though. I will be stronger because of it. I really am not looking forward to going to work again. It will be hard to see my friends there. I know they support me, but again, it's just hard to see people. I don't want to call my dad on Monday. I know what it is like to feel other people's pain, and I don't want people to feel pain because of what Ryan and I are going through. Sometimes compassion sucks. I love my family and friends to death and I know they love me. I have been so blessed with them and we will get tons of support from them. There are still other people we have to tell. I hate telling people. I know Ryan and I debated who we were going to tell we were pregnant and when. Our reasoning was to tell family, friends, and church, because if something bad did happen, we would want their support. And we do, however, when we are pregnant again, I'm not sure how we are going to go about doing it. Having to tell people that you lost your baby is one of the hardest things I had to do.

Please pray for us. God will heal us over time. I have no doubt about that.